One morning before work,I was watching SpongeBob with my son (aka. The Auginator, aka The Auger, aka J-Walker, i.e. ding-dong, duck-butter, dude, babito, etc.). A Micky-D commercial came on where Ronald and some kids were looking at a beautiful, dark, expansive and empty sky. Nothing above but endless darkness. Inspiring. When all of a sudden, this clown (literally) pulls out a glowing blue ball (what’s the symbolism?) throws it up into the air and BAM. Space clutter.
Suddenly the heavens are filled with crap. Stars,clouds, plasma, electromagnetic radiation, dark matter and dark energy. You name it and it’s there. Gone is the clean clear simplicity that was a dark sky.
I thought to myself, what a presumptuous bastard.Who does this company think they are to impose their definition of the heavens upon us? Why, is a sky filled with their crappy vision something to smileabout?
It was then I told the boy, I cant let that happen. From now on, I own the sun. I’m going to stake my claim and I defy anyone to contradict me. At 7:09am CST (02/11/09) I went on Facebook and posted “Larry is stating his claim to ownership of the sun. Being a terrestrial sphere outside of the earth’s legal systems, I also declare myself Planetary Daddy...”
My son went crazy. “Dad, you can’t do that. Nobody can own the sun.” I responded “I do”. “Prove it” he said. “Prove I don’t” I replied. It kept going back and forth with him getting angrier as time went on. “you cant”, “I can”, “It’s illegal”, “The sun doesn’t answer to your earthly laws”, “you just cant say it’s yours”, “I did”.
The exchange carried on for over ten minutes, including the ride to school. Even told him when I came home, nobody has contradicted my claim yet… I guess it’s really mine. Believe it or not he’s still angry.
I just googled “who owns the sun”. While there’s books and questions with that title, I could find no conclusive answer to debunk my claim. So… guess what’s mine? Yep, the Sun. I own it outright. It’s mine all mine.
You are all welcome to share it. I’m not stingy. Oh crap! What about skin cancer, sun burn, solar radiation? I better get alawyer.
Disclaimer: unauthorized usage of the sun, it’s rays, energy, winds, resources, properties, etc. are done so at ones own risk. Neither the Sun, Planetary Daddy, residents, citizens or applicants may be held liable for any results therin. So it is written, so it shall be done. etc. etc.etc.
(re-published from 03/09)
In one sense, I’ve lived my life in anonymity. Not that I’ve had any desire to remain unknown, not to hide my true identity. But, as you non-mutants would refer to it… my unearthly super powers. My secret abilities. My deep dark secret.
I’m sure many of you non-believers are saying “bull $#!t”, “Super powers my @$$”, “That crap ain’t real”. Believe it you hominids. Super powers exist. You may not even be aware of yours. It could be so everyday. So seemingly average or mundane it’s nearly invisible. Or, so outlandish you’re in disbelief. It took me nearly 50 years to discover mine. I didn’t even realize it myself… at first. Others began to notice and discuss it behind my back. The whispering, the staring, the screams…
You’re probably curious as to my power (or powers?). I’ve mentioned it prior. You may have missed it, or gleamed right past. I haven’t learned how to control it, manipulate, or use it for good or evil. I haven’t saved anyone with it. I can’t even make a buck off it… yet.
It’s… I’m frightened to announce for the world to hear… It’s (gulp), the ability to see 5 seconds into the future of television broadcasting or movies. There… I’ve said it. It’s out there for the world to see. I’m not ashamed, nor proud. But I am cleansed. It’s out, open, and on the table. A secret eating away at my inner peace no more. IM FREE! FREE I SAY.
It’s been gnawing away at my sanity for years. Is it a blessing or a curse? You decide. Imagine, we’re sitting in a dimmed room, watching Maury Povich, and 5 seconds before it airs I yell, “he ain’t the baby daddy”. Or could you imagine watching the Shinning and me saying “Here’s Johnny” 5 seconds before Jack sticks his head through the door? Watching SpongeBob and I say “let’s go Jellyfishing” before Spongebob and Patric.
It’s scary stuff. In my head, It’s like watching a movie where the soundtrack isn’t synced with the film. Add to that, I must have visual turrets where I have to say it before you see it. I can’t control it. At best, Im a spoiler. I have a friend whose power is to finish your sentence. You can see his lips moving when you start to speak, they speed up, and eventually finish before you. Together we can combine our powers and predict 7-1/2 seconds into a movie. Impressive huh?
But where do we take it? How do we use it? Is it good or evil? Should we make costumes? Would a cape make my @$$ look big? All real questions.
Now that this is public, will my life change for better or worse. Only time will tell.
I am The WatchMan. I will watch and continue to advance notify all that surround me of our media viewing. My able assistant will continue to lip read in ahead of your speech. Together we will fight the monotony of silence and the tyranny of the media unknown. With liberty, and justice for all.